This is just a rough draft of a short story idea I’ve been thinking about.

Death’s Note

Everyone always believes that the most important moment of a person’s life is the beginning. It’s the moment of entry into the world, the birth of a new life. Well I am the taker of life and I can tell you from personal experience that in fact it is actually the end of a person’s life that is the most important. It’s always at the end that people remember life the most. People live their wholes lives without ever getting noticed, but steal the last breath from them and suddenly the world cares. People cry as if the dead can still hear you. They bring you flowers as if your eyes can still enjoy their beauty. They sing songs and tell tales of your life as if your ears can still hear them. People say more things after you’re dead than they ever dared to when you were alive.

This however, is not a lecture on the emptiness of the human race to appreciate what they have while they have it. No, this is a note about me for a lucky living soul to find that they may have a little piece of mind when their time comes. I am the bringer of death, the taker of souls, the light stealer, the grim reaper. I have been called many names yet all of them have failed miserably to fully describe me.

I lurk in the corners, the dark spaces of the room, the last thoughts of the dying and sometimes the random thoughts of the surprised. I am rarely noticed but on some occasions, from those who have seen me often, I can be spotted. People try to avoid me though. They don’t want to find me and so it makes my job of going unnoticed a whole lot easier.

But I don’t like what I do. I know what you must be thinking. I am death, therefore I must be evil. But if I had a soul it wouldn’t be an evil one. The loss of life is not an easy business. See, whenever I choose to collect a soul and yes I choose to, I don’t just absorb their light, I take on their pain as well. Every ache, every piercing, throbbing pain goes straight through me like a freight train. Every empty heartache courses through me and fills every corner of my being. For that moment I am consumed by the pain, the fear, the very human essence of that life that I both crave and dread at the same time.

My job is not all pain though, for I get to witness the brightest moment of a human’s life. After that I can’t stand the stupidity of the race to suddenly worship what they never cared about before. I leave that mess for them to clean up. It is in the last moments however, the ones right before I reach in and collect my soul that a person explodes with the most powerful of human emotions. Before the pain and fear sails through me, I experience the memoires. People often try to remember as many happy moments before they die as quickly as they can and so these are the first that I receive. That is until the sinking realization of my presence sets in and they’re jolted from their happy thoughts as if they have been woken from a dream. It never lasts too long, this stream of happy moments, but it’s long enough to encourage me that my job is worth it. I must continue collecting souls and passing them along to a path that will lead them to their earned paradise.

I have no knowledge of their destination once I release them on this path. I have heard that the road varies for every soul depending on their life’s work, but of this I have no care because I have no need to ever meet their soul again.

This is but a snippet of the story of me. But I’m afraid my whole story would take more than a human lifetime to tell. With this note I hoped to give you but a glance at the true nature of death. Maybe now that you know a part of the journey I undertake when collecting a soul, you will look upon me when the day comes not with fear, rage and disappointment, but rather a little bit of acceptance, knowing I am not evil. I am but a collector.

Concentration Camp

This was a prompt my Curriculum and Instruction teacher gave me this semester to do a journal writing on and I found it really interesting so I thought I would share it with you all.

Dear Teacher,

I am a survivor of a concentration camp. My eyes saw what no man should witness:

Gas chambers built by learned engineers.

Children poisoned by educated physicians.

Infants killed by trained nurses.

Women and babies shot and burned by high school and college graduates.

So I am suspicious of education. My request is: Help your students become human. Your efforts must never produce learned monsters, skilled psychopaths, educated Eichmanns.

MY goals 4 SuMmEr 2011

#1: Learn the entire footloose dance from the very end of the movie.

#2: Learn and be able to fluently (or maybe almost fluently) speak Spanish.

#3: Teach my two little nieces the alphabet.

What are your goals for the summer?!?!

What's Your Biggest Fear?

I think we all think about the future too much sometimes. So much sometimes that it hinders the present that we live in now. It takes away from the moments of the day we're supposed to be enjoying at this very point in time. I know I do this a lot. I worry about a year from now, two years, five years and I end up wasting today. In fact, I think I've been doing that all semester long. See, like every other person I have a picture for my life, I have a dream that I want my life to make come true. And I'm terrified that I'll never fulfill that dream. That it'll be a few years down the road and I will have missed my chance. But I think the thing is, that all our lives have more than one dream. We all think that we'll only ever going to be happy this one way, but in all honesty, I think there are many ways, many paths we can take that will still end up with us being happy. Maybe it wasn't the most ideal one, maybe it wasn't the perfect dream, but who ever has perfect in their lives anyway? So, I know for me, conquering my biggest fear in the whole world is to realize that my life has more than one possible happy ending, more than one possible dream. I can be fulfilled and not have the exact ending I've always hoped for. It's a scary thought to me and its darkened a lot of my days these past couple months. But I think I've finally found a way to start overcoming it. I know I don't fully believe in my new found theory yet, but I'm doing my best to hold onto it so that I can start enjoying today! And stop wasting away my precious moments worrying about a year from now, or two years from now. Today is what you make, be the decider of your life. If you want a good day... nothing and no one is in control of that but you... make it a good day.

Quotes of Interest

These are some quotes I find really intriguing, enjoy them!

‎"Never think that war, no matter how necessary, nor how justified, is not a crime." -Ernest Hemingway

“Love feels no burden, thinks nothing of its trouble, attempts what is above its strength, pleads no excuse for impossibility, for it thinks all things are lawful for itself and all things are possible.” -Thomas A. Kempis

"Love is a promise, love is a souvenir, once given never forgotten, never let it disappear." – John Lennon

‎"Modern cynics and skeptics... see no harm in paying those to whom they entrust the minds of their children a smaller wage than is paid to those to whom they entrust the care of their plumbing." -John F. Kennedy

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.
- Captain Corelli's Mandolin6. "Love is the beauty of the soul."
- St. Augustine

"Happiness is like a kiss - it feels best when you give it to someone else." ~Author Unknown

"Kisses kept are wasted;
Love is to be tasted.
There are some you love, I know;
Be not loathe to tell them so.
Lips go dry and eyes grow wet
Waiting to be warmly met.
Keep them not in waiting yet;
Kisses kept are wasted."
~Edmund Vance Cooke

"Guys are like stars - so many to pick from
but only one can make all your dreams
come true!" - Lindy Strahan

Daughters by John Mayer

I absolutely love this song and lyrics to it are so true and inspiring and eye opening. I think everyone should take a look at it!

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls are continually changed
And I've done all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now I'm left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without the warmth from
A womans good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the guide and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

What Do I Want To Be A Teacher?

On the first day of class we went around the room and told why we wanted to be a teacher. Whenever anyone asks me that question I immediately know the answer. I want to change the world. It’s that simple, or is it? After I say it I always feel sort of silly. How am I going to change the world by being an elementary school teacher? What can I really do and why do I think being a teacher will help me do it?

Well I always thought my passion for teaching came from my love of kids and my lack of ability to be good at any other job. But now, the further along I get in my ‘becoming a teacher’ process, I realize to be a true teacher, my inspiration has to come from something more than that. So I started digging deeper. I started asking myself what would make me happy for the rest of my life? What would I be proud to tell others I do? I realized I’ve always had this silly idea that if I’m not actively helping someone else then I’m not happy with myself. I only get this one life and I have to make it worth remembering.

So it may be silly and kind of childish, but my dream is to change the world. And I believe all change starts with knowledge. I’ve been told many times of the dangers of this degree. My sister asks me all the time why I’d want to be a poor school teacher will little respect for the rest of my life. My dad continually tells me I’m too smart to be a teacher. Can’t I see that although it’s a noble job, it’s also a worrisome one? He’s constantly afraid my life will always be a struggle if I become a teacher.

So I tell them what I know. I tell them that I think being a teacher is a job I could be proud of. I know it’s not the most fruitful job as far as perks and fancy things come, but I just couldn’t stand myself if I received a paycheck at the end of every month and didn’t earn it by helping another person. And I don’t want my life to be about money. I want it to be about what I can do for others. I want my life to be a contribution. I want people to know me for the things I made possible, for the positive changes I created in someone else’s life. Being a teacher gives me the opportunity to be this kind of person. Maybe one day I say the littlest thing to a child and later on when they’re fifty, that thing helps them overcome a great obstacle. Maybe one day I educate a future congress man/woman who later votes on a bill that impacts the world. Maybe one day I look at a child or listen to a child that has never been looked at or listened to and it saves their life. I know these are big outrageous ideas, but I think being a teacher is about all the possibilities. It has so many opportunities for amazing things to happen. Sure I’ll never be at the top of the food chain as far as dollar bills go, but I’ll be at the top as far as changing the world goes, and that I can live with.

Today I Realized

Today I stood behind a wooden table scattered with food. There were vegetables, fruits, breads, all the main sorts of food a person would need. I stood there with a smile wide across my face as I stared into the drawn, heavy laden eyes of the people on the other side of the table. Their faces were as worn as their clothing. I could see their hearts buttoned on their sleeves, their troubles, their worries right there, written on their very skin.

Shyly, one by one they walked through the line on the other side of table, a whole other side of life for me, and picked out what little food they thought they would need for the week. I tried my best to put as much love as I could into my silly greeting words and childish smile as I offered them any selection of bread they dared take home. I couldn’t help but picture an entire movie reel laid out for each being that passed by me. I wondered what their life must have been like. I wondered why their bones seemed so heavy and their shoulders so weighed down. I wondered how they’d gotten here. What had their choices been? Had they any choices to begin with?

I’d always thought, before today that every man and every woman could make possible any life for themselves. Then I realized, you could be the best at everything and still lose in life. You can have everything you want and still be envious in life. You can collect as many maps as you want and study every known path and still end up lost in life. I realized, looking at all these delicate souls passing me by on the receiving side of the food bank, that maybe they had done it. Maybe they’d done it all. And maybe life had just spat back in their faces and that’s why they were here today. Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t their fault.

It was a thought that had never crossed my mind before today; that the poor, unfortunate life of the sad soul living it was not at fault. As I politely greeted and escorted the people on, deep in my soul I cried slow, soft tears for each one. And as I watched their feeble lips bless me and thank me, I thought to myself, what would I do if one morning I woke up and had to wonder whether I was going to be able eat today or if I’d go hungry.

Isn't He Everything?

I see it written on his face,

He tries to stop,

Tries to flee from the scene.

But no matter how hard,

He still always draws the wrong card.

He wants... more than anything,

To be everything.

And to me, he is...

But he won't let that be enough,

He wants to believe he's just too tough,

To rough,

To let some silly word restrain him,

Disdain him.

Jump to Defeat

My toes are frozen as they lie on the silver metal railing to the edge of the building. There is a light breeze tonight and it tosses my hair back and forth around my shoulders. My fingertips are laced around the top rung of the side fence and I can feel the nicks and dings all along the metal. I try as hard as I can to smooth them out, but no amount of tender love and care can fix them now. They’re permanent, like the scars on my own heart.

I lift my right foot off the cold metal and wiggle my toes back and forth before lifting them to the first bar on the flimsy fence and place them firmly there. I close my eyes and lift my left foot up to match my right. I can feel the air on my skin and I shiver as goose bumps travel down my arms and around my spine. My hands grip the top bar tightly. I have no doubts about what I’m about to do, it’s mainly just out of the reflexes I’ve built to protect myself.

I open my eyes and scan the scene before me. Bright lights shine all around me from the city below. I can see the tiny little cars racing through the streets and the even smaller people going about their own business this evening. No one notices me. Why should they? I’ve been on this roof my whole life. I’ve been on the edge, on the verge of jumping since before I can even remember now and no one has ever noticed before. So why should they now? Well, because this time, I’m actually going to jump.

I lift my legs over the barred fence and slid my bottom onto the top and let my legs dangle before me. It’s cold, the metal against my jeans. But I don’t mind. I like the sensation of feeling something, anything. It’s what I’ve been missing my whole life. I’ve felt like a ghost, a walking zombie, a mannequin just going through the motions. Smile when I’m expected to smile, laugh when I’m expected to laugh and sympathize when I’m expected to. I guess I have only myself to blame, I never asked anyone to explain and of course no one ever willing offers to teach. So I thought life was like what I’d read in story books and seen in big screen movie films. I was expecting my happy ending to come. Well tonight I’m tired of paying my dues, I’m going to make my happy ending on my own.

Cold, salty tears fall from my eyes and slid down my rosy cheeks. I never wanted it to be like this but I feel I have no other options. I’m out of free-bees and advance pass go’s. I look down to make sure there are no other unlucky souls below me that I might take with me. There are none, so I close my eyes and breathe as deeply as my lungs will allow me. I feel the fresh air glide through my nostrils and release it out through my delicate lips. I stand up, feet clinging to the bottom railing of the fence, hands gripped to the top behind me and lean out in front, over the ledge. I let a sorrowful tear fall from my broken face and hit the ground, then another. I unlace my fingers and let my heavy heart fall as fast as it pleases.

I keep my eyes shut on the way down so that I may dream of all the wonderful things I used to know in this life. I think of the daisies that used to cover the fields in my backyard as a child. I think of the soft fur of the strong horse I used to call my only love. I think of the fallen leaves I used to jump into and enjoy laughing until my eyes cried tears of joy. I think of the faces I used to kiss “I love you” to before I left for college. Just before my body hits the hard pavement ground, I think of nothing but the sunrise and the brilliant colors it used to share with me. Then everything goes black as night with no stars and no moon out to keep me company.

Then like a ghost, I’m floating over my own body, lifeless, broken and covered in rose red blood.