My toes are frozen as they lie on the silver metal railing to the edge of the building. There is a light breeze tonight and it tosses my hair back and forth around my shoulders. My fingertips are laced around the top rung of the side fence and I can feel the nicks and dings all along the metal. I try as hard as I can to smooth them out, but no amount of tender love and care can fix them now. They’re permanent, like the scars on my own heart.
I lift my right foot off the cold metal and wiggle my toes back and forth before lifting them to the first bar on the flimsy fence and place them firmly there. I close my eyes and lift my left foot up to match my right. I can feel the air on my skin and I shiver as goose bumps travel down my arms and around my spine. My hands grip the top bar tightly. I have no doubts about what I’m about to do, it’s mainly just out of the reflexes I’ve built to protect myself.
I open my eyes and scan the scene before me. Bright lights shine all around me from the city below. I can see the tiny little cars racing through the streets and the even smaller people going about their own business this evening. No one notices me. Why should they? I’ve been on this roof my whole life. I’ve been on the edge, on the verge of jumping since before I can even remember now and no one has ever noticed before. So why should they now? Well, because this time, I’m actually going to jump.
I lift my legs over the barred fence and slid my bottom onto the top and let my legs dangle before me. It’s cold, the metal against my jeans. But I don’t mind. I like the sensation of feeling something, anything. It’s what I’ve been missing my whole life. I’ve felt like a ghost, a walking zombie, a mannequin just going through the motions. Smile when I’m expected to smile, laugh when I’m expected to laugh and sympathize when I’m expected to. I guess I have only myself to blame, I never asked anyone to explain and of course no one ever willing offers to teach. So I thought life was like what I’d read in story books and seen in big screen movie films. I was expecting my happy ending to come. Well tonight I’m tired of paying my dues, I’m going to make my happy ending on my own.
Cold, salty tears fall from my eyes and slid down my rosy cheeks. I never wanted it to be like this but I feel I have no other options. I’m out of free-bees and advance pass go’s. I look down to make sure there are no other unlucky souls below me that I might take with me. There are none, so I close my eyes and breathe as deeply as my lungs will allow me. I feel the fresh air glide through my nostrils and release it out through my delicate lips. I stand up, feet clinging to the bottom railing of the fence, hands gripped to the top behind me and lean out in front, over the ledge. I let a sorrowful tear fall from my broken face and hit the ground, then another. I unlace my fingers and let my heavy heart fall as fast as it pleases.
I keep my eyes shut on the way down so that I may dream of all the wonderful things I used to know in this life. I think of the daisies that used to cover the fields in my backyard as a child. I think of the soft fur of the strong horse I used to call my only love. I think of the fallen leaves I used to jump into and enjoy laughing until my eyes cried tears of joy. I think of the faces I used to kiss “I love you” to before I left for college. Just before my body hits the hard pavement ground, I think of nothing but the sunrise and the brilliant colors it used to share with me. Then everything goes black as night with no stars and no moon out to keep me company.
Then like a ghost, I’m floating over my own body, lifeless, broken and covered in rose red blood.
